


Barnacle Babies

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-30
Updated: 2003-09-30
Packaged: 2019-04-27 06:10:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14419299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: Little Mulder gets an unexpected visit, with all the painful and embarrassing results.





	Barnacle Babies

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

 

Barnacle Babies

## Barnacle Babies

### by Humbuggie

Barnacle Babies   
By Humbuggie  
2003 

Type: Comedy with a load of MT, and I really DO mean MT. 

Type: Rated R for some very explicit use of different expressions and wordings for the male genitalia and everything attached to it. This is not an NC-17 story however. 

Note from the author: this is a very, very, very, very painful story for men. If you are a guy, please do NOT read it while sipping orange juice or eating something. Move everything aside and then go for it. I strongly urge you to follow these tips. J 

Barnacle Babies 

Every man has experienced something in his life that is either too embarrassing to tell, or too hard to even remember. These events are shoved to the back of your mind and only come back at the most vulnerable of times. Sometimes, when you're drunk, you find yourself spitting out the words, saying it as it is. You keep it a secret. But sometimes, just sometimes, its ugly little head pops out, and you just gotta tell someone. 

I have such a little secret too. In fact, I didn't have it until yesterday. Then, everything I've ever held sacred in life (good sex, porn), became dangerously and painfully endangered. Truthfully, it was so endangered I thought I would never again, see the light of day. I thought I would die of shame, pain and utter embarrassment. Then again, I have experienced many embarrassing moments before. 

Yet, not like this. 

And I swear I'll never show my face in a hospital again. 

**EVER.**

Let them shoot me. Drug me. Drown me. I won't do it. Ever. Okay, if I'm out of it, you can do whatever you like. I'll never go voluntarily again though. 

So you're curious now hey? Let me explain. Don't think any differently of me though. It's not my fault. Honestly! 

Sometimes, I tend to do stupid things. No, I don't mean going on my own to the Arctic, to free my partner from the hands of wacky aliens who have a tendency to take over the universe. 

I mean: really stupid things. 

I'm a bit like Joey from Friends at times. I like to goof around and just be plain old me, with nothing on my mind but freedom and loads of good DVD's to watch. During those times I'm usually at home, in the apartment, on my own with the pizza box or Chinese takeout, stuffed on the couch next to me. If I had a dog, the animal would croak from all the junk it would devour. I have a strong stomach though. I don't mind living the bachelor's life. That's me. 

Two days ago however, Scully and I decided to take a little breather at the Vineyard. I mean, sure she appreciated my lifestyle too when she came around for a Double Pepperoni, sans Anchovies and triple cheese. And sometimes she considered herself my saviour and pleaded with me to go to the countryside. 

"What are we supposed to do there an entire weekend?" I mumbled, seeing as I hardly spent any time there when my parents were still alive, let alone take the journey now. 

"You know, be a tourist. Do some sightseeing, buy some art or antiques and linger around the beach," she called it. "They've promised an excellent weekend weather remember? You still know how to linger, don't you, Mulder? You know, that thing you do when you're stuffing your face, but in get in some sea air and some good food, a little sun?" 

"Sure," I retorted. "I'll dig me a Joey-hole and just sit in it for hours." 

She laughed. _Friends_ is one of the few shows we both like and actually care for. So when I pull a Joey, she just smiles broadly and tells me I'm forgiven. And sometimes she becomes a Ross and starts nagging. Like that day. 

She was right though: I really should hang out more and enjoy life. So we headed out to the Vineyard, dropped our bags off at the house, and headed for the secluded beach that hardly held any other visitors. The advantage about being here is that you can feel as if you're alone in the world. You can enjoy the atmosphere and not be cluttered by folks dragging they whining children around, who want to pick up the jellyfish or whack you on the head with Frisbees and shit. 

It is a beautiful day, really. Very nice, very warm, very calm. And I forgot to bring my Speedos. Damn it. I like to fantasise that Scully checks out my ass while I'm wearing them. Once or twice I caught her eyeing my tight wet credentials in the FBI pool. 

"So?" Scully asks wittily. "Who says you need them?" 

"I need them. I'm not skinnydipping." 

"I'm sure you have plenty of boxers with you. Use one of them. Everyone does it." 

"And what if something comes swimming in there and attacking Little Mulder?" 

"Then Big Scully will take care of Little Mulder. Don't be such a baby." 

Big Scully's don't like it when you argue with them. Big Scully's like to prove a point. Big Scully's are often right. So Big Mulder (that's me, remember?) takes Little Mulder out for a swim, wearing my favorite Woody WoodPECKER (hint hint) boxers. 

Scully follows, clad in a narrow, simple black one piece swimming suit that I've seen her wear at the Academy and Quantico. She loves to swim, even though she'll probably never be the world champion. Well actually, neither will I. 

Okay, so we're swimming, right? I'm actually going deeper into the ocean. And for one, very long moment, I feel quite well and at peace with world. I take a lungful of fresh ozone and soak up the sunrays. Ahhh. This was a pretty good idea. 

Until something seems to brush past my leg. 

It's a short, vague sensation and then nothing. I look in the water and see nothing. And then I feel nothing. Until, that same sensation seems to enter my boxers, past the colourful Woodpeckers printed on it, and between my legs. 

"Scully!" I squeal like a baby, turn to her and scream again. "Scully, help!" 

She thinks I'm joking and laughs. 

"There's something in my boxers!" 

"Very funny, Mulder." 

"I swear! Little Mulder is in danger! Scull - Scullllleeeeeeeeeeee!" 

I swear to god that the moment that thing, whatever it is, comes in contact with Mr. Mulder, I scream to the devil to come and get it. I can feel it. It touches my skin and then--gasp, it touches the top of my penis. And then, in the most excrutiating moment of my life, it crawls into me!!! 

I can actually feel it slither underneath the skin, inside the most precious element a man can have. I'm not exactly horny right now, so dangling Mr. Mulder gets the worst of all blows. 

"Cajones!" I squeal so loudly, that everyone languishing on the beach, looked around to see who executed that near-perfect girlie scream. 

In another horrifying moment, I move my hands down there and try to snatch whatever it is before it vanishes inside my body all together. I feel it slither and then it's gone, and its little tentacles or claws or whatever is, are hanging onto the inside of me for dear life. 

Oh hell. Bloody hell. Buggah! I'm suddenly Jabbering in a Hugh Grant-esque British accent just out of sheer fear. 

"Mulder, what the hell are you doing?" That's Scully realizing something is definitely wrong. And I? I place both hands down south, holding on to dear life. It hurts! Oh god, that hurts so badly. 

"Mulder?" She wades through the water, trying to get closer. 

"Don't!" She startles as I cry out so loud. She looks down and sees me holding onto the family jewels. 

"What happened?" 

I lean forward, hoping and praying furiously that no one can hear this. "There's something stuck in my ... in my ... in ..." 

"Your PENIS?" 

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhh! Scully!" I look around and see a few women frown and steer their children away from us. Oh lovely. I really like this place, I would love to come back here you know. 

"What's wrong? Let me take a look." 

"No!" I push her away. 

"Mulder, I'm a doctor." 

"No, you're a butcher! Stay away. Whatever it is, it'll go away." 

"Mulder, if it's stuck inside your penis, it won't come out by itself. Now let me take a look!" 

"Don't use that word!" I hiss. 

"What should I use then? Your pecker? Mr. Dangle?" 

" How about Mr. Big." 

"High on yourself hey? Let me take a look!" 

"No. Not here ...!" 

"Okay then, you baby. Outta the water and let's walk back to the house." 

"I don't think I can," I wince, feeling a sharp burning sensation down there. My dangly dingles feel like they would actually drop off at the spot. 

"Yes, you can. Don't be such a whiner." 

"Would you like it if something swam up to you and bit you in the ...?" 

"Don't even say it! Okay, let's take you up the beach and settle down there. I'll put a blanket over you and take a look, okay?" 

"Okay," I say, hesitating. I know I have to find some help. This is killing me! It felt as if that thing was swimming inside my abdomen now, going boldly where no crustacean has gone before. Oh hell. 

She helps me back up the beach where we sat down. She pulls a bathing towel over my upper legs and abdomen, followed by a blanket. 

"Now open up." 

"Very funny." 

I am embarrassed beyond repair when I tug on the boxershorts and allow her to take a look at `Mr. Wiggly.' 

The next thing I know, she was going down south there with both hands, touching and probing the flaccid skin. 

"Scully! Watch it! Your hands are freezing. You don't want to stiffen the old bugger, do you?" There's a flurry of sand as her assault on my genitalia almost launch me into orbit. 

"Sorry." She rubs her hands on another towel until they become warm, and then digs in again. Oh hell. The second she touches the skin of Mr. Mulder, I could just die. I always wanted Scully to handle me with care, but this was really pulling it - no pun intended. 

"Mulder, there is definitely something lodged inside your - you know what. I won't be able to get it out. It looks like a barnacle. I've never seen anything like it." 

"Scully, puhweaze get it out now! I can't live through the pain and embarrassment." 

"I'm sorry but you'll have to go to hospital." 

"No freaking way!" 

"Yes way. Do you want that thing to have babies in there?" 

"Argh!" A sharp pain shot through my dick sending me off to near oblivion. Fuck it, this thing hurt! 

"Okay, a hospital it is. I'll call for an ambulance." 

"No, take me." 

"I can't! It might move even further inside with every move you make. You have to remain still." 

I watch her go to the house, while digging out her cell phone from her beach bag. Oh hell, this is a nightmare. This cannot be happening! Oh my god, that hurt! 

A few moments later she returns. 

"They'll be here soon. Try and relax and think of better things." 

"Like what? Hell freezing over?" 

"How about those stupid penis enlargement emails you always get in your mailbox?" 

"Very funny." 

"It'll be alright, Mulder. I promise." 

"How? With tweezers and band-aids?" 

"Just relax." 

She doesn't say another word until the ambulance arrives. And guess what? All paramedics are female. 

I frown and look at my partner. "Did you tell them what happened?" 

She smiled. "Of course ... Not." 

"Har har har." 

"So, what seems to be the problem?" the blonde asks sweetly, as she observes me sitting awkwardly on the beach, still with the blanket and towel draped over me. The boxers are back in place hiding my embarrassment. 

"My partner has had a little encounter with a barnacle," Scully replied in a refined and clinical tone, hardly covering her own amusement at my distress. "I think he needs help getting that thing out." 

"A what?" The blonde leans forward so she can take a peak, but I keep my shorts closed up this time. How can someone look astonished and amused and mildly curious at the same time? 

"Mr. Mulder, we are paramedics. We have seen plenty. You don't have anything down there that will sell tickets, or shock, so now, let us take a look." 

I groaned. "Not here," noticing the onset of a crowd on the beach, all very interested in what I had happening. 

"In the ambulance then?" 

I was helped up and trudged awkwardly up the three steps to the ambulance, groaning in pain as we sat down. "Now, let's have a look," she repeated, and before I knew what happened, she had already pulled down my boxers, only seconds after the ambulance doors closed. 

I had to lie down, feeling a bit queasy, keeping my eyes fix on the suddenly very interesting ambulance interior above me. 

"Oh my god," the blonde said, and the brunette stared at me. "I've never seen anything like it." 

"Do you think we can pull it out?" 

"No way. It'll rip the skin apart." 

Okay, can I just pass out please? 

"So what to do?" 

"Get him to hospital. See if they can operate." 

"No one's touching Mr. Dear!" I cried out. 

"You can't leave it stuck in there, Mr. Mulder. Then what?" 

"Then it'll hop out of me when I take a leak!" 

"It's embedded underneath your skin. When you go to the bathroom, it -" 

"Yeah, yeah, I know," I groaned. "Just get me to hospital, okay?" 

They shrugged, and then laughed, suddenly we were on our way to hospital. I lay there, and they were leaning over me, all trying to get a look at Bleep The Barnacle. Lovely. I could feel my cheeks and other parts glowing with embarrassment. 

Once we arrived at hospital I knew it could only get worse. They had been informed ahead (groan!) about my misfortune and tada! There was the entire staff, waiting eagerly to take a look at Mr. Diddle. Great. That meant that they would probaby jot this down as a medical mishap. Or worse. 

I was wheeled into an examination room. Lights flashed across my eyes and then I was moved onto a bed. Every movement ached like a bitch; I grimaced and bit my lip against the cry lodged in my throat, even though I vowed not to be a baby. I stared in horror as several doctors and nurses leaned over my abdomen and lower area, and then produced out the largest tweezers they had in stock. Oh brother. 

"Please," I groaned. "Can someone just allow me to pass out now please?" 

"Mr. Mulder, we need to see if we can extract this thing out of you," a doctor said. "We'll need you to tell us if you feel or sense anything." 

"I already feel enough thank you very much," I groaned. "Leave me alone!" 

But they weren't listening of course. They were down there, torturing, tweezing, probing and god knows what else. It felt as if I was going to die on the spot. Amputate Mr. Mulder now and get it over with already! 

I groaned in discomfort as they continued to probe me, trying to tease that thing out. 

"Scully?" 

"Hang on Mulder. They're working on it." 

"Get it out!" 

"It doesn't work that quickly." 

"I don't care! Knock me out then!" 

"Surgery might be the best thing to go about it," someone said. "Cut under the skin and force it out." 

"Yes, surgery is great!" I squealed. 

"No, it might cause irrepairable damage." 

"I'm damaged already!" 

"So what do you suggest then? We can't leave that thing in there." 

"Wait," someone suddenly said. "I read an article on something like this not so long ago. Let me go check." 

Check already! 

The doors opened and closed. More people seemed to be walking in and out. By this time I was aching so badly I could have passed out from sheer biting pain, but I didn't. Unfortunately, one always remembers the very embarrassing and awkward parts of life. 

The doors opened again. The doc had a self-satisfied smirk on his face. 

"Got it! I had saved it because it was such a weird story. I knew I remembered it. Read this." 

Silence, then mumbling, then some giggling, more pontificating, and suddenly I knew what needed to be done. I could just hear them say it; think it. 

The doctor came into sight again. "Mr. Mulder, the good news is that this has happened before and there is a solution to your problem. The bad news is that it's not going to be easy." 

"Please don't tell me that-" Was that my voice squeaking out like that? 

"We don't need to operate on you, but ... well, let's just say that `Mr. Mulder' down there needs to work with us. The only way to get the barnacle out is by stiffening up certain things. In other words, we need you to get an erection." 

"You ARE joking, right?" 

"I'm afraid not. According to this newspaper article, another man has suffered the same fate, and the only way to get that thing out of you without problems, is by creating an erection that will force the barnacle to slither out of your penis." 

Oh GOD. Could this become any worse? 

"I'm sure that you are not really thinking of anything sexual right now, but the problem is, that this is something that needs to be done naturally to avoid lasting damage. So all we can do is put you up in a room with some porn movies or magazines, and hope that you will be able to muster up an erection. We will then be able to extract this thing." 

Suddenly Scully appeared. 

"Do you need help, Mulder?" Was that a twinkle in her eye? 

Oh please. 

So what do you think happened then? 

I was moved into a private room, suffering all the aches, pains and soreness that already racked my body. A television set was placed there with VCR. Somehow, someone dug out some porn from somewhere. I mean, how can you think of porn at a time like this? How can they believe that I could actually achieve a hard-on while this thing was stuck inside of my nether regions? But then I kept thinking: Come on, Mr. Wiggly. Do it. Don't fail me now. 

And suddenly.. 

Suddenly a grinning male nurse came into the room, accompanied by a male doctor, who to his credit hid his laughter behind a cough and a fist to the mouth, and ended the ordeal. Before I knew it, I felt the thing slid out of me;, it was gathered up before it had the chance to turn tail, and it was put into a jar. I stared at it. 

Oh swell. (Not literally of course). 

I leaned back exhausted in the pillows, knowing that my Willy had returned to its normal size. I was dead tired but very happy. Just bloody glad it was over. 

"They want to keep you overnight to see if you have suffered any permanent damage," Scully said. Taking my hand. 

I look at her sarcastically. "Didn't I just prove to you that I'm fine?" 

She smiled serenely. "Mulder, do me a favour and shut up." She flicked a lock of hair from my brow letting her fingers linger there. She smirked lightly. 

I groaned. "Easy for you to say. You didn't have a barnacle stuck up your ass." 

"Actually, it was your penis." 

"Whatever." 

"Let's just forget this whole thing, okay?" she proposed. "I'm sure you don't want to remember." 

"You betcha." 

"Of course it'll be on your medical record. So next time you get shot, they'll know what happened here." 

I lobbed a pillow at her and she left laughing. 

So there I was, resting up after the most exhausting day of my life, peeking on occasion down at the little one, checking to see if it was still there and in one piece. And suddenly I realized that the porn movie was still in that VCR. 

I turned on the TV-set and pressed "Play". There's nothing better in life than to treat yourself on occasion to some good stuff.   
Mr. Mulder couldn't agree more. 

End   
  


#### If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Humbuggie


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